It’s 2009, and I’m working an after-school shift at a vintage shop on Brick Lane. “That’s Not My Name” by the Ting Tings blasts through the speakers. Free copies of VICE magazine pile up by the entrance. Denim booty riders—everywhere—so many that you can’t see beyond them. They’re being yanked off the rails in a chaotic flurry, metal hangers clattering to the floor. Oh, and of course, I’m wearing denim booty riders too. Paired with 15-denier tights, purposefully ripped, and some random “vintage shoes.” It’s 2009, and everyone is rocking shorts and tights.
Looking back, it feels like I squeezed into a pair of shorts and tights in the late 2000s and didn’t take them off until, like, 2013. Which is strange, because they were so uncomfortable. I was constantly itchy—those layers rubbing together—and it only got worse when I paired them with thick socks and Dr. Martens boots. Visually, it was a lot. If you wanted to witness one of my more questionable outfits, all you had to do was hop on the 55 bus at 1am. There, you’d find me with a Tyskie in hand, wearing galaxy print shorts, fishnets with stars, and heading to the club—underage, of course.
But that was then, and this is now. I was sure that, among the extended Noughties revival, the shorts and tights combo had somehow been left behind. And for the best, I thought to myself, quietly tucking them away with plastic beaded necklaces and pleather jeggings. I can get behind many divisive Noughties trends—I’ve even defended them on this very website—but shorts and tights? That’s where I draw the line. Besides, if we embrace shorts and tights in an “indie sleaze” way, we’re just a few inches away from accepting them in the equally popular “smart casual brown boots and a fitted waistcoat” way. And that, I cannot accept.
But, as with so much in life, I can’t stop the tides of change, and shorts and tights are already making their way into celebrity paparazzi shots and street style circles. Suki Waterhouse, whom we can all agree is effortlessly stylish, was spotted earlier this week in denim shorts and black tights—like someone on her way to an American Apparel sale. Alessandra Ambrosio has been seen strutting through New York in leather shorts and tights, exuding the confidence of someone who can pull off anything—even this. Alexa Chung, who famously wore the combo the first time around, has now started rocking it again. And who am I to argue with Alexa Chung? Honestly, I may not like them, but I don’t like the rain either—and I can’t stop the clouds from gathering.
Still, none of us have to follow trends. Maybe you love shorts and tights. Maybe you’re 19 and don’t even remember a time before people wore shorts, tights, and high-top trainers with slightly crooked caps. Perhaps you think they’re the perfect transition from winter to spring. Or maybe, like me, you find the combo a bit triggering. Maybe you look at them and hear the opening chords of TiK ToK by Ke$ha, back when she was still Ke$ha. Maybe you can already feel the heat rash that comes from wearing skin-tight nylon tights with Topshop-style knicker shorts. And if that’s the case? Maybe it’s best to sit this one out—just like I should have done the first time.